I knew I was going to write this particular post. I have an on-going list of posts that need tending to, and I know I've let you guys down. To say this past week has been crazy hectic is a bit of an understatement. I am usually organizing/packing up my room, as well as all my belongings in the basement from 10/11AM until about 11PM. The details of moving I will save for a later post as today I am dedicating my time to the most remarkable man I have EVER had the privilege of sharing a good laugh (and cry!) with: my father. I can't predict the length of this post, nor can I promise she'll be short and sweet, so bear with me! ❤
Today marks 8 years since the passing of my very best friend. 8 years since I last saw your face. Heard your voice. Felt you here... I don't think you ever truly "heal." You just learn to live on... because you would have wanted me to.
Of all the pictures I could have selected (and let me tell you, I have a well documented childhood!) this one is an absolute favourite.
Look at me in all my glory, eh? Harry Potter specs and a missing front tooth. Golly gee. But let's look past that. Let's consider how tremendously happy I am. That is a genuine smile, and YOU are to thank for the endless smiles and laughter that accompany every memory I can recall from childhood... ALSO, can I just say that dad mastered the whole "take our own picture" before selfies and front facing cameras were invented? #kudostoyousir.
But on a more serious note... when I look at this photo, all I can think to myself is god did you ever love me. I was the lucky one. To have been blessed with such a gentle, smart, funny, caring and protective soul. You saved me from the harshness of the world, and knew what I needed more than anyone else in this world.
Our relationship was very unique and very special. Shedding some personal light on my childhood: after the divorce, my father was granted primary custody (a rare occurrence, I'd say!). It was you and me against the world... and given the opportunity, I wouldn't go back to change a thing. The only thing I wish I could change was the silent, ticking timer that suddenly clamped down on the time we had with one another.
I won't sit here and recall every memory I have of you. Those are both personal, and I don't think you - the reader - has enough coffee or popcorn to sit through all that (LOL). What I do want to remember for the rest of my life, is how much my father loved me, the lessons he instilled within me, and the woman he [probably] hoped I would become. I hope I give him a reason to be proud of me every single day.
Okay, maybe one memory: because you always have to dance on new and freshly paved concrete! :)
I go back, and I read through some of the condolences that were left for the family after Dad passed away... especially the ones that were dedicated to me, and the ones that simply show how much of an impact he had on other people:
"You were the apple of his eye and always will be as he looks down and watches over you from heaven. Dad`s big smile is a great memory that we will always have"
"He would talk about his beloved daughter Stephanie all the time. I even saw your picture on his bag he carried to work. Paul`s heart and soul was pure, he was always helpful and kind and had that wonderful smile."
"He taught me how important it is to keep smiling."
"He was a real gentleman who always had a smile for you. He was proud of you...you could tell by the way he talked about you."
"I was astounded at the fact that he could just keep smiling and his happiness just blazed out of him like the sun that day. Paul was one of those people that you could honestly say that you were better, for having known him."
"Stephanie, so often I watched your dad escort you into school, especially when it was new to you. His caring for you was so evident."
"Even though we had only met Gerard a few times, we immediately were drawn to his wonderful charm. His beautiful smile everytime we saw him glancing at you. We were one of many I`m sure that were fortunate to have met him. He will always be remembered for his happy-go-lucky demeanour."
"Stephanie: Your father is an amazing man who loved you more than life itself. He was loved and respected by all who knew him. We were blessed to have him in our lives and will never forget the wonderful man we called our friend."
I sometimes tear up reading all of the above comments .. they make me SO proud to be the daughter of such an outstanding man. I think what I love the most, however, is realizing that I continue your legacy... even if in the smallest of ways. That smile and happy quality that everyone noticed about him? I have come to realize people think the same about me. My nickname at work a few years back was "Smiley Miley" ... no matter where I go, people are always commenting on the smile that is forever plastered on my face. I hope people remember me just as happy as they do you, Dad.
I was watching The Bachelorette the other evening, and it got me thinking. Perhaps not the happiest of thoughts... but I realized that no man will ever be able to tell my father how head over heels in love with me they are (if I'm lucky enough to encounter such a guy, haha!). I was 15 when my father passed, and until then, I hadn't dated anybody. Dad, you didn't even have the chance to threaten a guy with a baseball bat! (Haha, kidding). In the time that you have been away, I graduated not only from high school, but two universities. I am now launching myself across the world to kickstart a career. I so wish you were here... to share in the moments, to offer a hug when I stress out over packing this sweater or those pants, to go on more lunch dates with... or to offer life advice on the stupidest of problems I seemed to have (LOL). But I know, given the choice, you would give as much to be here, as I would give to hear your voice/see your face again.
Finally, as this post comes to an end... the teacher in me wants to impose a lesson on all of my wise and impressionable readers... What. I can't help it... I was born to teach!
This quote forever remains to be one of my favourites from the series. (For those wondering, it was said by Mark Sloan on Greys):
My dear friends... life is too short to let a moment pass without telling someone how much you care about them. Things change so fast. Life changes, and fate sometimes gets in the way. We aren't always in the drivers seat, and next thing you know, the unexpected happens. Don't leave yourself unprepared. Take each day as it comes. I remember my grade 8 grad quote was "Live each day as if it were your last." Oh the irony... just short of 2 years later, we lost my father... Don't let the anger from a fight fester. Go back. Reflect. Make things better, when you can. I love hard. When I love someone, I cant help but tell them every single day. Sometimes it's hard to open up and be vulnerable like that... how do you expose your feelings while the fear of getting hurt is lingering? Sometimes, it just needs to be done... because I would rather leave this world with a few scuffs and scrapes, knowing I did everything to reach all the important people in my life... then depart unscathed and untouched by the best possible moments, memories... and people.
Never forgotten... and always in my heart.
Love you Dad!
xxx
1958 - 2006
The world lost an incredible man, and heaven gained one of it's best.
